Miley Cyrus Is Not What She's Trying to Be

I hopped off the plane at LAX
with a dream and my cardigan
welcome to the land of fame excess,
am I gonna fit in?

Jumped in the cab,
Here I am for the first time
Look to the right and I see the Hollywood sign
This is all so crazy
Everybody seems so famous

My tummys turnin and I'm feelin kinda home sick
Too much pressure and I'm nervous,
That's when the taxi man turned on the radio
and a Jay Z song was on
and the Jay Z song was on
and the Jay Z song was on

CHORUS:
So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song,
And the butterflys fly away
Noddin’ my head like yea
Movin my hips like yea
I got my hands up,
They’re playin my song
I know im gonna be ok
Yea, It's a party in the USA
Yea, It's a party in the USA

Get to the club in my taxi cab
Everybody's lookin at me now
Like “who's that chick, that's rockin’ kicks?
She gotta be from out of town”

So hard with my girls not around me
Its definitely not a Nashville party
Cause’ all I see are stilletos
I guess I never got the memo

My tummys turnin and I'm feelin kinda home sick
Too much pressure and I'm nervous
That's when the D.J. dropped my favorite tune
and a Britney song was on
and the Britney song was on
and the Britney song was on

CHORUS:
So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song,
And the butterflys fly away
Noddin’ my head like yea
Movin my hips like yea
I got my hands up,
They’re playin my song
I know im gonna be ok
Yea, It's a party in the USA
Yea, It's a party in the USA

Feel like hoppin' on a flight (on a flight)
Back to my hometown tonight (town tonight)
Something stops me everytime (everytime)
The DJ plays my song and I feel alright

CHORUS:
So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song,
And the butterflys fly away
Noddin’ my head like yea
Movin my hips like yea
I got my hands up,
They’re playin my song
I know im gonna be ok
Yea, It's a party in the USA
Yea, It's a party in the USA

So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song,
And the butterflys fly away
Noddin’ my head like yea
Movin my hips like yea
I got my hands up,
They’re playin my song
I know im gonna be ok
Yea, It's a party in the USA
Yea, It's a party in the USA

Do you conjure up Miley Cyrus when you read those lyrics?

I certainly didn’t conjure up Miley Cyrus when I heard the song.

First of all, she shouldn’t be singing this—it belongs to a brand new, fresh off-the-streets crappy pop singer, one who is actually awed by Hollywood, not a girl who’s been around a version of the scene a few times. Her cowboy boots and low-rent country outfit do in no way make her any more of a Nashville girl than Taylor Swift is.

“Party in the USA” is a pop song that everyone apparently loves, though the adulation puzzles me. Miley’s voice is terrible, especially when she goes full-on in the pre-chorus. Oy, my ears. Like “The Climb”, “Party in the USA” could be a decent song if it was sung by someone else. “The Climb”’s gravitas does not work with a teen star, just like “Party in the USA” doesn’t work if you’ve been living in LA for several years.

And dear Lord, the shoutouts to Britney and Jay-Z are gratuitous and screechy. I know they’re probably happy, but I hope that Jay-Z at least privately winces whenever he has to hear Miley screech out his name.

And OF COURSE, like the truly insidious pop songs, it doesn’t leave your head after you’ve heard it.

Ugh. Now I’m NEVER going to be able to sleep tonight.