Notes on the VMAs

Yeah, I watched them.

--What's with the glitter? Everything Britney Spears wore was sparkly. Ciara sparkled. It was too garish and made me appreciate the black leather on Rihanna and Russell more.

--I liked Russell Brand more than the audience did. He was a vast improvement over Sarah Silverman. He was a little too loud, a little too earnest, and had quite the motormouth, but he seemed genuine and sincere and wasn't vulgar, despite the fact that he only made sex jokes.

--The videos nominated, like in past years, usually sucked. Mariah Carey should have won Female Video of the Year, as her video was the most interesting out of the insanely boring crop.

--Christina Aguilera, of whom I am not a fan, actually did a very smart thing by opening with a funky, spacey version of her first single, "Genie in a Bottle". Even the choreography scored with what her new single must be, which sounded like "Superbitch".

--Most of the videos nominated I hadn't seen, but knew the song. But I could still tell they were nothing special. Seriously, "I Kissed a Girl" is the perfect song to have an interesting video, but all anyone could think of was put Katy Perry in a vaudeville-esque outfit and have the camera focus on her pouty faces.

--Parade of young and hip Hollywood, with the exception of the random appearances by Kid Rock, Demi Moore, and Slash.

--While sex is always the backbone of anything music-related, it seemed like this was fighting with the Forces of Virginity. Russell Brand made one two many jokes about sex, invoking the Jonas Brothers and promise rings, and Jordin Sparks had to climb on her high horse to defend her the decision to wear a promise ring to wait until marriage. Russell Brand then apologized in his rambling way. Honestly, guys, let's move on. It's bad enough that when I saw Vanessa Hudgens standing next to Zac Efron I thought about how they totally had sex.

--T.I.'s lady in his performance was wearing what looked like a sluttier version of a dress I own.

--Paramount Theater was much smaller than their usual performance halls, and many of the performances were outside. As it was in Los Angeles, it was still light at some points. I liked the smaller theater, though it seemed that the network wanted the VMAs to be low-key compared to the past.

--Kanye closed the show by performing a new song. But he was singing, and the song was about love, two things that are not Kanye. And the song was somber, with a backdrop of pretty sunsets and skies. Not the best note to end on; would have better fit midshow.

--Hayley Williams of Paramore should have stuck with her usual black/white combo. Tight yellow pants just didn't work, and she kept touching her inner thigh for some weird reason, though the pants did make her hips look wider.

--Commercial breaks were designed to cut off performances. The television audience only saw the end of The Ting Tings performance. And Katy Perry's much-touted "Like a Virgin" and "I Kissed a Girl" medley was chopped in half by ads. Her pinup outfit worked in conjunction with her "style" but didn't fit her songs.

--Both MTV and MTV2 aired the VMAs at the same time, the first time as far as I'm aware that they've done that.

--Lil Wayne needs to pull up his pants. Nobody needs to see men's underwear on a stage.

--Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson need to stop. Now.

--Tokio Hotel won Best New Artist, though I'm not convinced of anything except that they're the token hipster band. I couldn't even tell if the lead singer was male or female. I decided, after scrutinizing the poor person's body, on a girl...and then he spoke.

--But perhaps the biggest thing of all is how staged the whole Britney deal was. She won three moonmen, the first time she's ever won a VMA (yes, that's correct), and they were all for the horrendous song and video "Piece of Me", a supposed commentary on her tabloid life. Blah. The wins were engineered for her career, a low-key "comeback" to present her as being normal, to prove that she's back from crazy. Her acceptance "speeches" amounted to nothing more than "thank you God, my lovely children, and my fans." That's it. She was perfectly polite, but there was nothing there. She knew she was going to win in advance, hence the dead "I'm so happy" that appeared at the end.

Next year will be my tenth VMAs, assuming I watched all of them. But considering how low my VMA IQ was in regard to this year's nominees and how high my age is in comparison to the groups showcased, it might be time to move on.

Live Blogging SNL*

Opening sketch: I can't wait to see who's playing Obama! Yes, I totally love the way they're skewering the media. This is awesome. Obamagirl! Sweet. But you're way off on your lipsynching. Way, way off. Ouch. Damn, I wish I'd seen the debate Thursday night, but I was blogging and forgot about it. Nice touch with the Obama stalker, and Kristen Wiig is Campbell Brown! Cool! Dude, Fred Armisen totally got Obama's cadence and stacco down. Wow, Obama won 31 out of the last 38 states? Hot damn. Hillary's screwed. Heh, this is great, the way they're mocking the "we can change" slogans. SNL is back, baby! Aww, poor Hillary, trying to get a word in edgewise. They really do make you feel bad for her.

Opening credits: Yay, new featured player! That's pretty unusual for a mid-season show, but we might as well consider it a new season for all the time that's passed.

Monologue: Tina Fey! Black dress...they all wear black dresses. She looks nice, though. Aught-seven? Who says that? Anyway, yay for writer's strike mention. Heh, I love the jargon. Nice. Tina Fey was rarely in sketches; her claim to fame was her superb job as Weekend Update anchor, but it'll be great to see her actually perform. Steve Martin! Cool. Possibly a way to (subtly) promote his new book? He started out as a writer? Well, that makes sense. "Look at those writers--you want to end up like them, all, all...weak, weak and...young?" Yes, yes I do! I would love to work on Saturday Night Live! Hmm, I wonder if those (very young) writers are actually writers, audience members or extras. Steve and Tina are great, look how well rehearsed this is, but boy do those slaps look f.a.k.e.

Annuelle: This is totally Tina. It's female-centered. She wrote Mom jeans, remember, and that extra-large 1950s maxi-pad commercial. Totally her: icky feminism, cringe-inducing.

Rock of Love: Wow, nice job with Tina. Those lips! Those breasts! The makeup! They really did a nice job. Oh, Amber. I've never liked Amber. I know what's she getting at--those retardedly ugly women who brag about everything, even though what they're saying makes no sense, and it's just to make themselves feel better. I wonder if we can call this a resurgence of the women. Wait, is Maya Rudolph off the show? I didn't see her in the credits. Even the featured player is in this skit, and so far, the women are carrying this show. We'll have to see what happens the next few episodes to see if this is a premature theory. [on the disgusting kiss between Jason Sudeikis and Amy Poehler] Man, people do sick things in the name of comedy. It's always sloppy licking kisses, or nudity, too. "Skills to pay the bills"--excellent line. That was awesome, that list of reality shows!

Wilco next week. Interesting.

Commercials: That voiceover for dogs sounds like Zach Braff making funny noises. Notice how many actors do voiceovers in commercials nows? John Goodman (who's hosted SNL something like 15 times) for Dunkin' Donuts..."We all had to do what we needed to do to pass the time..." Very NBC, acknowledging things. April 3rd. The Office is coming back April 10, which you didn't mention...

"What the hell is the bitch saying?": This could be fun. Oh, the first one she's talking about her dog. Yep. Hey, that Casey girl (featured player) is sure getting a lot of face time. Maybe because it's her first show? Good for her. I'm not feeling the casual use of "bitch" here. It's just another reason (TV reflects real life; real life reflects TV) why people toss it around so often. And it's another Tina Fey trademark.

"21" promo: This sounds a bit like Good Will Hunting. Ooh, this sounds like a book. Oh, I want to see it. Now the good movies are coming out.

Car commercials: President's Day was last week, so why are there still President's Day sales?

12:10. Weekend Update should be next. It's always on at midnight/12:15. Up, nope, it's Carrie Underwood.

"Drillbit Taylor" promo: One of those comedies that's sold by the fact that it's "funny" and by its star.

iPhone commercial: iPhone and Facebook team up...oh no. No, it's not that great! We don't need to check Facebook every hour! Ahhhhh!

Quarterlife! ...That's not blogging, that's livejournaling.

There's President's Day and cars again...so, movies and cars, that's what advertised at 12 am.

Weekend Update: It's Mike Huckabee! Man, the media loves Huckabee. I know they've wanted to do something with Huckabee for a while. He's such a good sport, shame no one will vote for him. Heh, I love he skewered that retarded "miracles and math" line. Javier Bardem as Dora...oh! Hmm, that toy doesn't sound like a toy but a gadget for adults. Must everything have iPod hookups attached?

Women's News: Yes, yes!! Tina doing what Tina does best! Oooh, potshots at Lindsay. I'm sure Tina's disappointed at her, she always really liked her and thought she was very talented. See Mean Girls commentary for this, and the fact that Lindsay hosted SNL and cameoed a few times. Oh man, this is why I loved Tina Fey: This smackdown is BEAUTIFUL. This is AWESOME. She's totally right, too. Blindly following Oprah, "bitches" being the type of people who solve problems, and get things done, the inane comments of Rush Limbaugh...oh man, Tina Fey is THE SHIT. Whoo!!!!

Sela Ward shilling for toothpaste...

Trump sketch: Where do they think up these celebrities? Oh, Casey's Rachael Ray isn't good, though it's high time someone impersonated her. Gene Simmons good, and Amy Poehler's old man from Six Flags is inspired.

Does Will Ferrell ever get tired of making goofy sports-related comedies? This is at least the 5th president's day car commercial...one per break.

Wedding toast: Do his insults make any sense? Making pipes?

Milkshake skit: Ohh, this is from "There Will Be Blood." Der. I only know that because someone told me that line days ago. This is too insidery because it's all based around the Oscar-nominated movies.

Mr. Peterman from Seinfeld (John something) for Toyota Corolla. But no President's Day slogans!

"Baby Mama" promo: Hmm, very Tina Fey--this is what you get when women get to write and direct their own movies. Wow, that sounds like an insult. I still wouldn't pay to see the movie.

President's Day cars. At least they acknowledge they're going to extend the sale. And Greece x2.

Lady Business: Another Tina Fey creation. I like the high-heeled shoe on the end of the y. Well, this concept was asking for it.

A lot of commercials have voiceovers.

Goodbye: Man, SNL looks like so much fun. Tina Fey, come back soon!

*The sentiments are live, just transcribed and edited the next day.